Phone sex might sound a little bit retro, given that the age of smartphones and sexting is in full swing. It may well conjure images of the ’90s, with heavy breathing down a rotary telephone. While the days of twirling your thumb around a coiled landline cord might be long gone, phone sex needn’t be a thing of the past.
But phone sex can be just as fun as IRL sex, and it can also be an incredible way to connect with your partner, whether they’re someone you’re getting to know or you’re in a long-term relationship. Phone sex can be great for long distance couples who can’t always be intimate in person, but it can also be great for people in the early stages of dating, for friends with benefits, and for people in the « talking stage ».
Phone sex is also an amazing way to switch up the way you masturbate and get your partner involved too. If you struggle to orgasm during partnered sex, phone sex could also help you become more comfortable around your partner, to help them understand what gets you off, and maybe even achieve a mutual orgasm.
What is phone sex?
Phone sex can be a variation of things, from talking through specific fantasies, mutual masturbation or something more instructional, with one partner telling the other what to do, which works particularly well if you enjoy experimenting with power dynamics during sex.
When you schedule in some dirty talk via a phone call, it’s important to be clear about what you and your partner want to get out of it and to ensure you’re both comfortable.
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« What makes phone sex successful will be different in every relationship. Some individuals love to just listen and it can be a bit like a form of voyeurism for them, » explains Ness Cooper, a clinical sexologist and expert at sex toy company Je Joue.
It’s important to be clear about what you and your partner want to get out of it and to ensure you’re both comfortable.
Plus, with the wonders of modern technology, there are plenty of different ways to experiment with phone sex. The traditional phone call is a good way to ease yourself in, but moving over to FaceTime is a very good option, particularly if you’re more of a visual learner. And if you’re looking for a hands-free option, a good old Skype call will do the trick, and Zoom doesn’t have to be limited to work calls
« Whilst phone sex is traditionally verbal, some individuals enjoy phone sex that’s asynchronous and uses either voice notes or text messages, » Cooper says. Although the definition of phone sex involves some sort of phone call, Cooper explains that using voice notes or text messages is a good way to work up to that. « This can be a great alternative for those who are new to phone sex and trying to build-up self-esteem and confidence and it can also help you and the other individual involved try things out and talk about them more in-between engagements if needed, allowing you to both practice and learn what type of dirty talk works or doesn’t work for you both. »
Is phone sex right for me and my partner?
One of the reasons it’s worth giving phone sex a go is because it can help you explore fantasies and ideas you might be a little bit nervous to bring up or physically try in person, whether you’re experimenting with someone new or looking to switch things up with a long-term partner.
« [Phone sex] can help teach both involved more about what type of sexual play they enjoy and what they find arousing, including physical actions and ways to touch each other. This can help lead to more fulfilling sex when in person, » Cooper explains. « It can also help you build on fantasies and positive erotic memories, and this can help you build positive sexual connections and make it easier to draw on fantasies and erotic memories when engaging in erotic play and sex. »
If you’re used to engaging in sexting with your partner, it might be as simple as asking them if they want to switch to a phone call. Maybe tell them that hearing their voice turns you on and ask them if they’d move onto a phone call so you can hear it. Or, you can tell them about the kind of porn you like, be it audio or visual, and suggest recreating something you’ve seen online via a phone call.
But if digital intimacy is totally new to you, consider telling your partner in person that you’d like to give phone sex a go. « Talk about the emotional reasons why you want to engage in phone sex and any emotional goals you may have from it. Don’t just focus on the erotic but also focus on the intimate, » Cooper advises.
It can be something spontaneous — maybe on a night when you’re playing alone anyway – but it’s also a good idea to discuss set times, to make sure you’re both prepared and won’t be interrupted, according to Cooper (i.e. warn your flatmates you have an « international work call » that you’ll be taking from your bedroom).
How to have really good phone sex
What constitutes « good » phone sex is pretty subjective, depending on what you like and what turns you on. But there are a few things to keep in mind to make your experience a positive (and sexy) one.
For a start, don’t be afraid to prepare for your call. « Phone sex can require foreplay too, » Cooper says. « Send texts and voice notes before you have your phone sex date to help towards arousal. »
Cooper also suggests talking about « ick » words, and anything that might be a turn-off for you beforehand, as your no-gos might be different over the phone. If you are experimenting with power dynamics and elements of BDSM during your phone call, make sure you have a safe word too. And try to think about aftercare after hanging up, which can be as simple as checking up on your partner afterwards via text and asking them about their thoughts on the experience.
Getting comfortable with dirty talk
The reason a lot of people are daunted by phone sex is because dirty talk can be intimidating and anxiety-inducing. But it doesn’t have to be and sometimes it’s as easy as describing what you’re doing or what you’d like to be doing with your partner.
We asked someone who is very experienced with dirty talk for some tips on getting started. Jess, who uses the name CliqueBaitTV online, is in the top 0.01 percent of OnlyFans creators, and creates content surrounding sex, swinging, and ethical non-monogamy on social media (@cliquebaittvall on Instagram). With so much experience creating OnlyFans content, Jess knows a thing or two about creating intimacy without physically connecting with someone, and she is also in an open relationship herself, so she is used to experimenting with different people. Here are her tips for getting comfortable and confident with dirty talk…
Start small and without words
If you’re not usually particularly verbal during sex and your partner does most of the talking, you can recreate this dynamic on the phone. « You can start with moans and noises when you feel satisfied, » Jess advises.
This works particularly well over FaceTime, especially if neither you or your partner are ready to dive head first into dirty talking and would rather start with mutual masturbation.
Be vocal about what you like
Sometimes talking dirty is as simple as being vocal about what you enjoy and what brings you pleasure. “Experiment with saying small phrases like “I like that” or “I like when you….” out loud,” Jess says, explaining that not only will this probably turn your partner on, but it’s also helpful in allowing them to understand what gets you off.
Try role play
If you’re worried about running out of things to say or talk about during phone sex, Jess suggests trying role play. “Set up a scenario that will make a regular call or sexting more intimate,” Jess says. This could be a similar roleplay scenario to one you usually use in the bedroom, or something specific to a phone call, maybe a doctor’s call or a police warning…
You can also talk through specific fantasies, or an experience you’ve already had together.
Experiment with power dynamics
If you already have established power dynamics within a sexual relationship, they can be easily recreated over the phone, with the dominant partner giving instructions to the submissive partner. Try giving them phrases to repeat or play with edging by telling them when they are allowed to orgasm.
Jess says that phone sex could also be a good opportunity to experiment with power dynamics and try something new. « Recreating power dynamics can get boring sometimes. If you’re usually submissive, try giving back a little sass and test the waters, » she says.
Don’t hold back on details
It might be tricky for your partner to gauge how you’re feeling or what you want over the phone, especially if you’re feeling shy. Jess stresses the importance of detail when describing your fantasies and telling your partner what you want, as this will also make the experience more erotic. « Tell them where your eyes and hands would be and explain how you would see them in the scenario, » she says.
Chances are, if your partner has agreed to phone sex, then they want to hear you talking dirty, so don’t hold back and have confidence in your ability to turn them on.
